Pursuing Peace

No matter how hard we try to avoid troubles and conflicts in life, they eventually find us. Notice how many things in our world tend to break down or wear out just because they exist. It happens in relationships too. When it comes to conflict, we can ignore it and let important relationships get sick or die, or we can find some way to promote healing by resolving or managing it. The sad thing is these troubles will continue to afflict us unless we become living peacemakers. Some people naturally have these qualities but others do not. If you don’t, you probably have to regularly deal with conflict problems that lead to stress, anxiety, and anger.

You may have heard what is claimed to be an old Cherokee proverb where a grandson goes to his grandfather not sure what to do with the anger he felt over an injustice done to him. The proverb says,

An old Cherokee told his grandson, “My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth.”

The boy thought about it, and asked, “Grandfather, which wolf wins?” The old man quietly replied, “The one you feed.”

Conflict is a natural behavior pattern that has the living qualities of something that is born, needs to be fed, and grows. Conflicts are infused with energy as you feed it and it becomes alive as a vital part of our social life or spiritual life. Conflicts have living qualities but they tend to be destructive unless managed well. A lot of contemporary advice in managing conflict helps people with knowing when and how to address conflict situations but not how to address the living aspects of it.

I suggest that a would-be peacemaker needs to have a peace system that lives and grows within him or her. The peace system gains energy by feeding on the practices of joy, peace, love, and other positive life-giving qualities. This energy enables you to naturally respond to conflict with fairness and caring. There is good literature explaining how living social systems ideas can be applied to social contexts such as conflict management and peacemaking (Jantsch, 1980). When your social and spiritual life are well fed with these positive qualities, they become a defining part of your identity, a living and active system of responding to life situations as a peacemaker. With this identity you will be a presence of fairness and caring for yourself and others in the context of conflict and chaos. This is what it means to feed the good wolf.

There is more to the story of what it means to feed and nurture your living peace system. The theory of autopoiesis, or self-producing systems (Mingers, 1995) explains what is happening when we feed, nurture, and grow our social systems. Jantsch (1980) and Fritjof (1995) describe how self-organization works in social systems based on the principle of autopoiesis (Maturana & Varela, 1987; Mingers, 1995). The primary processes of self-organization are self-maintenance, self-renewal, and self-transcendence. Just like conflicts have ways to maintain themselves, find renewal over time, and even transcend contexts, peace can also be developed to do these things and become an even stronger life force. Next time I’ll share more about how self-organization drives our impulses for peacemaking.

References

Capra, F. (1996). The Web of Life. New York: Anchor Books.

Jantsch, E. (1980). The Self-Organizing Universe: Scientific and Human Implications of the Emerging Paradigm of Evolution. Oxford, UK: Pergamon Press.

Maturana, H., and Varela, F. (1987). The Tree of Knowledge. Boston: Shambhala.

Mingers, J. (1995). Self-Producing Systems: Implications and Applications of Autopoiesis. New York: Plenum Press.

There is a lot to dislike about the world. Stories of ISIS show us the widespread violence some will do in the name of religion. Stories of rape and murder are common. In many countries laws are passed to marginalize minorities who are different. The poor treatment of people around the world is disheartening, and it often creates a backlash that spreads the anger and violence further. It’s a vicious cycle and all so devastatingly sad. The news reports we hear make the world seem like a dark, evil place where love does not exist and all hope is lost.

But all hope is not lost. There are bright spots in a lot of places if we are just able to see them. Even though many conflicts often center on religious differences, most religious groups put a lot of emphasis on loving others. And if you look for it, you will hear the reports of people loving and serving others because of their religious beliefs.

I’ve been reading about the issues, talking to people, and learning a lot. I have almost scratched the surface! Along the way I heard about a conference called Christ at the Checkpoint in Bethlehem, West Bank. The conference included a wide variety of experts on cultural and religious perspectives about extremism and violence. I met many kind, joy-filled, peace loving people who also want to see positive change in the world. It was a sign of hopefulness to me.

It was amazing to hear experts talking about how to respond to religious violence. These experts represented Evangelical Christians, Catholics, Muslims, Zionists, Messianic Jews, and others. It was obvious they differed theologically in substantial ways but there were points of commonality that were really eye opening. Every presenter seemed to say that moving forward successfully in solving the problem of religious extremism and violence must be based on loving others, including advocating for justice, peace, and forgiveness.

Now the world doesn’t seem as dark and evil to me. I met many people at the conference who are on the front lines practicing this very good theology. In the war between good and evil, it’s easy to make accusations and keep the cycle of darkness going. It’s hard work but we can stop the hate promoting cycle of self-interest. We just need to commit to serving others by being fair, forgiving, and peace loving. The consequences of this will be reconciled relationships and the building of a hope filled world.

A lot of people talk about wanting peace but I don’t see a lot of agreement about what the term even means. People talk about peace as something they would have if the conflict just stopped. The problem is, not many people are at peace when the fighting stops. Mostly, they just feel empty. The winner may have feelings of loneliness after a fight because the opponent doesn’t even want a relationship. And if you lost the fight, you may be thinking of revenge, frustration at a bad situation, or just walking away for good.

So what is peace? Well, stopping the fighting is the first step, but it is just the beginning. The partners in conflict need to figure out what it will take to feel like there is fairness in the relationship. Then beyond that, the partners need to feel like there is caring both ways. Without fairness and caring, peace in the relationship is not likely.

The good news is that human beings can learn to be fair and care about others. We talk about wishing for world peace but that is not where peace begins. Remember the song Let There Be Peace on Earth by Jill Jackson and Sy Miller? It rightfully suggests, “And let it begin with me.” It also suggests that we learn to walk with each other in “harmony” and that it become for us a “solemn vow.” When we have a world of people caring for each other like this and acting fairly, we will be on our way to world peace.

Many of us make resolutions for the New Year but few of us can actually stick to them all year long. University of Scranton research quoted in Forbes magazine says that only 8% of people actually make it in achieving their New Year goals. We need help. What I would like to do is offer a blessing for success. Typical resolution makers are resolving to diet and exercise for strength and beauty goals. Do you have these goals for this year?

I wish you great success in gaining strength and beauty this year but my wish might not be exactly what you expect. When my first child was born, I thought she was the most beautiful thing. I prayed that she would grow up to be a beautiful woman, like her mother. They are both physically beautiful but that is not what I prayed for. My prayer was that she would have a great inner beauty because that would be much more valuable than good looks. Like her, I wish you great success in having a kind heart, a graceful disposition, contentment in work and relationships, fairness in all your dealings, gratitude for goodness in the world, trust of good friends, and respect for everyone. Having these qualities and others will ensure that you maintain a vibrant beauty within.

As my children grew up I also prayed that they would be strong. However, this prayer was not for some exceptional physical strength. The prayer was for willpower to pursue good things in life. I wish you great success for this pursuit. A measure of this willpower can be for physical strength but I wish mostly for the wisdom to be a strong person for good in the world. I don’t wish for invulnerability, for it is through a vulnerable spirit that the greatest strength of a person is revealed. It makes no sense to wish for perfection because as Leonard Cohen sings in his song Anthem, “There’s a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” I wish for you the strength to overcome life’s challenges, the ability to be loyal, the confidence to be real, the fortitude to stand up for what is true and right, and the determination to be generous with people in need. This is true strength.

It is good to work on your strength and beauty goals. I think you will be especially blessed this year if you focus these goals on your inner beauty and inner strength. Be blessed!

Diamond, Dan (Jan 1, 2013). Just 8% of People Achieve Their New Year’s Resolutions. Here’s How They Do It. Forbes Magazine.

Holiday gatherings can be wonderful reunions or painful rituals. Have you ever had a relative or friend who challenges your ability to be tolerant? It’s the person who likes to talk condescendingly about your political opinions, religious views, or even your sports teams. When these people are present, holiday gatherings become difficult.

The problem is that we anticipate the negative comments and we consciously or unconsciously prepare our negative responses. We become an equal part of the negativity pattern. Our gatherings never have a chance for success unless someone breaks the pattern.

The solution is really a matter of changing our perspective and choosing different actions. People generally want to have positive relationships. To break the negativity pattern, give your friend or family member the gift of being fully present, completely interested, and absolutely respectful of what they have to say and who they are. What I mean is, when the negative conversation begins ask with true curiosity and no judgment what they believe about the topic and why. Don’t insert your opinions. Rather, really explore the views of the other. You will find that you have given a gift and received a gift. You will grow closer to your friend or relative and you will have a much greater appreciation for him or her even though you may disagree about a lot of things.

Why not make a regular habit of setting aside distractions and giving the gift of you? Be fully present for someone, maybe even someone you find disagreeable. You might be surprised by the results. Your presence may be the best present.

Humans are hardwired to notice differences, but we are also hardwired to connect with each other. The labels you may have for me are your labels and you get to judge them the way you see fit. I do the same. Please remember that the labels you have for me and the corresponding judgments are yours, however, not mine. After you have judged me based on a label you assigned, to be really human, you should also reach out and connect with me. Find out what labels I might choose for myself and how I judge them.

If you do that, I will also be interested in how you label yourself. Because I am human I have chosen labels I think might apply to you. And although I’m probably wrong, I also made some judgments. What is important to me, though, is knowing your label for you and how you judge you. It’s important to me because that is the world I want to live in. It is a world that sets aside the labels and judgments we have for each other to connect with others and care about them.

Prince Ea says this really well. Take a 4.5 minute look at this:

i am not black

 

Here is a plug for a new book just released in November, 2015. It is the work of colleagues I’ve joined with over the past couple of years in writing about ways to promote peaceful negotiation of conflict.  Contributing scholars work in the fields of Communication, Culture, Media, Peace, and Conflict. The flyer on the right offers more information and a discount through Palgrave, the publisher of the book.

Here is the abstract for the book from the flyer:

“In today’s global world, it is imperative for individuals and groups with diverse backgrounds, values and beliefs, situated in a variety of cultural, political, economic and institutional structures, to grapple with ideas of diversity, difference and multi-culturalism. The ways in which these fundamental issues are debated in today’s society helps pave the path towards a more inclusive, culturally conscious world that allows for dialogue and debate with regard to public policy, educational reform and sustainable peace. This volume provides theoretical and practical approaches that highlight the strength of dealing with conflict and peace issues from areas such as intercultural communication, conflict mediation/negotiation, war and peace journalism, peace education, human rights and peace-building. While communicating differences across cultures and contexts can be a daunting undertaking, Communicating Differences demonstrates how building bridges across silos of research and connecting theory with practice enhances the viability of peace processes and truly and positively affects the lives of students, researchers and practitioners.”

 

 

One of my favorite songs from the 80’s is “The Power of Love” by Huey Lewis & The News. The first lines are: “The power of love is a curious thing. Make [a] one man weep, make another man sing. Change a hawk to a little white dove. More than a feeling that’s the power of love.” The more I think about it, the more I believe that these lyrics speak a ‘curious’ and ‘powerful’ truth about how I need to manage the walls I build between and around myself and others.

I’ve written about the fact that some walls are necessary and good but others are not. I’ve also said that some walls really need to be torn down because they do more harm than good. Our reasons for tearing down our walls and the way we do it, however, can be more hurtful than just leaving them in place. Have you torn down walls by fighting with a friend over differing beliefs and felt like you won? Are you just fed up with the hateful political talk going on with a friend so giving in seems like the best option? Do you avoid topics like racism or sexism where you disagree with a friend because it’s embarrassing or frustrating? These are not the best ways to manage our walls.

There is a better, or more excellent way to get at these questions. Consider these questions. Do you care a lot about a neighbor who adheres faithfully to beliefs very different from yours? Do you feel like giving in to a friend who is really condescending towards your political views, just to save the friendship? Is it surprising to you that race and sex violence is so prevalent when you and many others you know have good friends of a different skin color or gender? I’m convinced that our challenge with managing our walls is a problem of love. But love is a challenging concept to understand.

I agree with the Huey Lewis song that love is a ‘curious’ thing. Some people have difficulty seeing past the fact that love is “more than a feeling.” Another line in the song says that love is “tougher than diamonds and stronger than steel.” My perspective of the love Huey Lewis sings about is deep, sacred caring for another that allows us to hold on to our beliefs and others to hold on to theirs. It is that sacred love for humanity that is most important. The way I manage my walls is to make an effort to recognize what I believe, what others believe, and still commit to loving self and others in a sacred way, respecting the healthy and necessary walls around us.

We can be great examples of our faith, of our political affiliations, of our skin color or gender, if we care deeply enough and commit ourselves to the practice of sacred love. This is easier to say than do but doing it becomes much easier the more we practice. I love to see the power of sacred love tearing down walls.

The famous words of Ronald Reagan challenged Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin Wall. There was a lot more to the destruction of the Berlin Wall but the symbolism was significant. I recently wrote about not loving walls and advocated for wisdom in building walls. I said that we have physical and emotional walls, some of which are necessary and good. Other walls, however, do more to promote fear and prejudice than anything. A question that remains for me is what do we do about those unjust and unproductive walls?

Getting to the destruction of the Berlin Wall was not as simple as two world leaders making that decision. The political negotiations took time, many resources, and a lot of careful thought. Similarly, just as I believe we need to build our walls wisely, we also need to be wise in removing walls. Consider how you share your physical and emotional walls with others. Our walls define our boundaries. Over time we become comfortable with our walls, even those walls that only serve to promote fear and prejudice.

Tearing down the problematic walls gives us the uncomfortable situation of getting used to new patterns of relating to others. When we tear down a fence we don’t have to walk around it or go to the gate but we also have to be ready to accept others traversing those spaces. The discomfort goes further. Consider how social issues define us. We often have very strong views about politics, gender, race, poverty, religion, and numerous other social issues.

When you decide to tear down a wall that has to do with a social issue, remember that others in your social circles may not have done the same thing. Others often assume you have certain walls because they know you or maybe just because of your demographic profile. The truth is, however, everyone comes to his or her social issues differently. It is only through open-minded dialogue that we come to understand whether a wall exists for someone and why.

Do you look down on someone because he or she is a Democrat or a Republican? Is male or female? Has a different color skin than you? Is rich or poor? Is Christian, Jew, or Muslim? You may have reasons for erecting walls between you and others, but study those reasons carefully. The walls that separate people prevent peace between them. The ancient words of St. Paul in a letter to Christians in the city of Ephesus addressed this very problem. Regarding the wall of faith between Jews and non-Jews, St. Paul said about Jesus Christ,

“For he is our peace; in his flesh he has made both groups into one and has broken down the dividing wall, that is, the hostility between us. He has abolished the law with its commandments and ordinances, that he might create in himself one new humanity in place of the two, thus making peace…” (Ephesians 2:14-15)

To have peace, work on tearing down the walls that you don’t need for physical security or moral integrity. Some walls help you establish an identity that is not positive. It’s okay to tear down the wall and expand your identity to include others.

Robert Frost begins his poem Mending Wall with the words, “Something there is that doesn’t love a wall…” But, walls and doors can be really good things. I appreciate having walls in my home. They provide security from the outdoor elements, and privacy for those who use a bedroom or bathroom. I’m glad I have those walls and doors.

There is another kind of wall that I appreciate. I have a wall of identity around me. I know who ‘I am’ separate from others. I know who ‘we are’ when I refer to my family, work, or other groups that are part of my identity.

There are other kinds of walls, however, that do not serve productive purposes. On a tour of Belfast I witnessed walls that separated people who would really benefit by knowing each other. Those walls mean separate schools, sports, and friends for Catholic and Protestant children. The walls breed worry, stress, uncertainty, and fear. These feelings grow inside people to produce prejudice, discrimination, and bad behavior—mostly just because the walls exist.

There has long been talk about building a wall to separate the U.S. from Mexico. Does this seem like a wall to appreciate or one that will create problems? Certainly there is value in having national boundaries so people can establish a citizenship identity. In this case, however, I can’t help but think like Robert Frost does about walls.

The Robert Frost Poem also uses the phrase “good fences make good neighbours.” Without really thinking about it, the phrase makes sense. It is good to have a fenced in place to protect a pet or a garden. Fences will also help people know where privacy is expected. Unless people live in a very dangerous location, it is actually quite rare for neighbors to fence their whole property. There are usually places for privacy and places for hospitality. It takes wisdom to know the difference.

When it comes to neighbors, whether they live next door or just cross my path during the day, I want to be wise in how I apply walls between us. I would appreciate a wall to separate me from someone who clearly wants to do me harm. Most of the time, however, harm is not the issue. More likely, the problem is that this person is just different from me. That means there is actually an opportunity to make a friend or to learn something I didn’t know. It might even provide a chance for me to help someone in need with resources that I have to spare.

What I really want is to make friends and help others. I’d rather not have to deal with walls that create worry and fear. Walls like that just develop prejudices that are unjustified. We all build walls. I hope we build wisely so we can enjoy opportunities for friendship and learning.